Bittersweet Love
by Rubenbegone
Summary: A Jen and Tilly Fanfic, following on from Tillys expulsion. Will Tilly really be able to follow through with her plans of revenge?
1. Chapter 1

_Authors note - Sorry this is short! This is my first go at writing, so forgive me if its rubbish! Thought I'd write a little something and see what people think before I continue. Enjoy and please leave a review :) Ruben_

Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt sick. Where could she go? She couldn't go home. Not yet. Going home would make this all too real.  
Her mind wondered back to Keelers office. Every word had felt like another stab in her heart, until she'd gone numb. At one point she thought the walls were going to cave in on her and she had to fight to draw breath back into her lungs. By the time the headteacher was telling her about her expulsion, she thought she was going to pass out.  
Leaving the office, she'd walked down the corridors on autopilot. She felt empty, like everything she'd ever felt and known had left her. Thoughts began racing through her mind. Thoughts of _her_. Remembering how in awe she was of Jen, this free spirited woman with such a passion for art and the world around her. The confidence that oozed from her, the way she carried herself so gracefully. Where had that woman gone? How could she have changed so much?  
As the realisation of what Jen had done hit Tilly, she felt the fire in her belly return. All hurt was replaced by a deep burning anger, and she was momentarily shocked at the force of the emotion. Turning on her heels, she began purposefully in the opposite direction, her feet taking her before she really knew where she was headed. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she approached the door to the art room. The anger was now bubbling away inside of her as she walked into the room. Seeing Jen stood across the room, idly marking artwork like nothing had happened made the anger surge through her body with a powerful force. Tilly took a moment to steel herself. She wouldn't shout and rage. She wouldn't scream about how unfair it was. No, she'd calmly let Jen know just how royally she'd fucked up and then leave to work out how she was going to get her revenge.


	2. Chapter 2

Reaching the bench at the folly, Tilly sank gratefully onto it just before her legs gave way. Her whole body felt like it was made of Jelly, her heart beating so hard it was painful in her chest.  
She'd lost her cool. Not completely, but she'd lost it. Slapping Jen certainly hadn't been part of her plan. Even in her jumbled thoughts, she knew why she'd done it. Anger wasn't an emotion she felt often, it wasn't in her nature. So as it surged through her, she hadn't known how to handle it. When Jen had walked towards her, she instinctively reacted, not wanting Jen to touch her. The words jen had spoken before the slap swam through Tillys mind.

_"No, Tilly, let me explain..."_

Explain? How the hell did she expect to explain away ruining Tillys future? Inspite of herself, Tilly chuckled slightly at the notion of it. Had Jen become completely deluded? Hurting her time and time again, blowing hot and cold... That, you could explain. But this? Literally ruining someones life, taking away everything they had ever worked for. Just to save yourself. Again, Tilly marvelled at just how much Jen had changed since she'd met her. The woman she'd spent a blissful, secretive summer with could never have done something like this. Yes, she messed her about. Creating rules that Tilly had to abide by, but could be broken whenever Jen wanted more. But she was still the person that Tilly had fallen for that day at Crosby beach. There was noway that _that_ Jen would have walked away from Esther that night or sacraficed someone she 'loved' for the sake of her own career. Or had Tilly been so caught up in their romance, that she'd overlooked this side of Jen? They say love is blind... But no.

As Tilly sat there, she toyed with idea that it was her fault. Jen had worked so hard to become a teacher. She came to life in the classroom, her face physically lighting up at her students work, glowing with the knowledge that her teaching had helped to produce some truely brilliant pieces of art. Pushing Tilly away was the right thing to do. What if she'd just accepted it there and then last June? Stopped pushing for more, stopped trying to claw her way back into Jens life. If they'd gone their seperate ways when Jen wanted, she wouldn't have had the pressure. Telling lies, risking everything everytime they so much as exchanged a text. How hard it must have been for Jen, mixed up in emotions and morals.

_But, hold on. Here I go again!. Making excuses for her. I've just watched my childhood dreams go up in flames, because of her, yet I'm still trying to justify what she's done?!_

What about how hard it was for Tilly? All those months, of keeping secrets from everyone. She'd fallen in love for the first time, but she couldn't talk to anyone. Everytime they argued, everytime Jen pushed her away, she'd had noone to turn to. All in one summer, she'd had both the worst and best moments of her life, yet she'd always had to carry on like nothing was happening. Like her heart wasn't trying to burst out of her heart, like the butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residency in her stomach weren't really there. This last year had been a nightmare. Loving, and then losing Jen. Losing Maddie, Neil and Jonno. The stress of A levels. And Esther. The bullying that Tilly knew she could have helped to prevent. The way she'd used Esther just before she'd tried to take her own life. Knowing she was going through such a hard time, but taken in once again by Jen.

Jen. Jen, Jen, fucking Jen. This had to stop. Now. No more pining. No more craving the smell of her perfume. No more needing the feel of her strong arms embracing her. It would end today.  
What a wonder, Tilly thought to herself as she stood up, that you could still love someone so deeply, even when you wanted nothing more than to hate them.


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors note - Three in one day! I'm on a role! Haha, it's getting quite addictive. I hope you guys are enjoying it. Please let me know if you have any suggestions :) Also, sorry if it feels a bit dragged out, I promise a bit of drama soon!  
Ruben x_

It didn't seem to matter how far she walked, the agitation and anxiety carried on festering, causing her heart to flitter and her stomach to churn. The anger had dissapated slightly, but would surge violently through her every now and then, causing restless energy that she couldn't seem to shift. Not only were the days events weighing heavily on her mind, but explaining them to her parents was fast becoming her next problem. Maybe the school had already contacted them? What would they think of her? Becoming a doctor wasn't just Tillys dream. Being their only child, they'd invested everything, financially and emotionally, into getting her to a decent uni to study medicine. How would they feel when they found out she'd been expelled? _Expelled. _It still didn't feel real. Was there any possible way of finishing her A Levels now? The anger came back full force, the shock of what had happened hitting her like she'd only just found out what Jen had done. Any loving thoughts momentarily lost as she vowed to herself for the thousandth time that Jen wouln't get away with it. Heading up the path to her front door, she tried to steady her breathing. Her Dads car was in the drive, earlier than normal. She'd turned her phone off whilst she was at the folly so hadn't been sure if they knew or not. Just as she was about to put her key in the door, it flew open. Stood infront of her was her Dad. His usual gentle demeanour had been replaced, his eyes telling her what she already knew. She was in trouble.

"Sit down" her Dad said, pointing to the kitchen where her mum was already sat.

Moving forward was a difficult task as her legs struggled to support her. She took a seat opposite her mum, who watched her steadily. Tilly looked down. She couldn't bear the look of dissapointment.

"Do we need to tell you what this is about, Matilda?"

Tilly winced. Her parents never called her Matilda.

"No, I think I can guess" she replied, still looking down.

"How did this happen?" her Dad asked, his voice rising. Still Tilly sat staring at her hands, afraid to look at either of them. Suddenly her Dad brought his hand down hard onto the table, snapping her head up. Fear and humilation shot through her.

"Talk to us!" her Dad raged, his face going red. "What were you thinking? Did you not realise the seriousness of what you were doing? Harrassment is a criminal offence! You're lucky she's not pressing charges!"

Tilly gritted her teeth and resisted the urge to look back down at her hands, that were forming into fists, displaying her frustration. How easy it would be now, to blurt it all out. Tell them that actually, Miss Gilmore had left out a critical detail. Texts and e-mails didn't count as harassment when you were fucking eachother. Tilly flinched at the harshness of her own thoughts. She knew she couldn't tell them. Not yet. Not until she had a plan.

"I guess it didn't feel like that. Harrassment, I mean." She looked at her Mum. Seeing her pained expression felt like yet another stab to the heart and she had to look away. She wasn't sure how much more she was going to be able to take. She took a deep breath. "Sorry Maddie" she whispered silently, before looking back to her parents.

"It's the crash" she blurted out, before she could stop herself. "I know I've carried on, acting like everything is normal and I'm ok. But I'm not. I miss them, so so much. When Maddie died, it just felt like there was this huge hole in my life that I couldn't fill. Je... Miss Gilmore was really kind after it happened, and I guess I just got confused, what with the grief and everything. I'm not trying to excuse what I've done, but convincing myself there could be something between Miss Gilmore and I took my mind of Maddie and the others. Thinking about it now, I know it was stupid. I'm just really sorry that I've let you down." The last few words got stuck as a huge lump formed in her throat, tears pooling in her eyes. She stood quickly, grabbing her bag and heading for the stairs as the tears started to fall silently down her cheeks.

As soon as she was safe in her room, she threw herself facedown onto the bed and cried into her pillow. She wasn't quite sure who the tears were for. Were they for Maddie, Neil and Jonno? Were theyfor Jen? Or were they for herself? Grieving for the person she used to be. The girl who put everyone before themselves. Who stood up for what was right. Definitely not a girl who would use her dead best friend to create yet another huge lie.


	4. Chapter 4

_Authors note - just wanted to say thank you SO much for all your reviews so far :) really glad your enjoying it! Ruben x_

Tilly stirred to the feel of a soft hand stroking her cheek. For a fleeting second she'd forgotten about the events that had played out earlier in the day. As she woke properly from her sleep, the memories swept through her and her eyes flew open to see her mum sat on the edge of the bed. She made eye contact, searching for the anger and disapointment that she'd seen earlier. But her mum just smiled at her and pulled her hand away, reaching for a mug that was sat on the bedside table.

"What's the time?" Tilly asked, struggling to sit up and take the tea from her mum. Her cheeks felt tight, a subtle reminder of the tears she'd cried before finally giving into her exhaustion.

"Just gone 8. Thought you'd be wide awake again in the early hours if I didn't wake you now." Her Mums eyes wondered around the room until her gaze settled on the collage of photos above Tillys desk. She stood up and slowly made her way over, reaching out to touch a photo of Maddie and Tilly. Tillys heart began to race and a fresh lump formed in her throat, threatening more tears. This time, she knew it was the grief. Not Jen, not what had happened today. Just honest, raw grief. Her mum turned around, ready to say something but seeing the tears silently making their way down Tillys cheeks, she decided against it. Instead, she squeezed onto the bed next to her daughter and held her tightly, her heart breaking as she rocked her gently.

After a while, Tilly could feel the grip of grief subsiding. She struggled away from her Mum, and reached for the cup of tea. Taking a sip, she pulled a face. It was stone cold.

"Come downstairs and I'll make you another one. I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but we need to talk."

"Mum, please, I can't" Tilly panicked, realising a heart to heart with her mum could mean yet more lies.

"Yes, you can. Bottling it up doesn't work, Tilly. Look where that's got you." Tilly looked at her mum. She saw the genuine concern in her eyes, the need to try and fix the pain that Tilly was feeling.

"Ok. Just give me a minute to clean myself up, yeah?"

After her Mum had left, she stood up and went to the mirror. She jumped back a little, shocked at the person she saw staring back at her. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, her already pale skin ghostly white. The black bags under her eyes were a result of the tossing and turning she'd been doing since Esther had tried to commit suicide. She swallowed hard as that dreaded lump threatened to make another appearance, and made her way to the bathroom to wash her face.  
Making her way downstairs, she found her parents sat at the kitchen table speaking quietly. They looked up as she walked in and she noticed her Dad was alot calmer.

"Sit down Tilly" he said gently, and pointed to a fresh mug of tea. She did as she was told and took a sip of her drink, closing her eyes as the warm liquid made its way down her throat.

"We owe you an apology" he started, but stopped abruptly and looked down. She was horrified to realise that he was holding back tears.

"We've let you down" he said, bringing his eyes back up to meet Tilly. They glistened with unspilt tears.

"Ever since you were young, you've been so level headed. Beyond your years. Wanting to do well at school, being sensible enough to put your studying before going out with your friends. Until last summer, we'd never had a days trouble with you. I guess until then, neither of us had ever truely appreciated how lucky we were." He stopped and smiled at her, which she tried to return.

"When you stole that money, and later on the car, I was fuming. But once you explained why you'd done it, I understood. We promised not to put pressure on you, but we realise now we didn't follow through with that." He looked to her Mum then, silently asking her to continue as a single tear slid down his cheek.

"What your Dad's trying to say, Tilly, is that you've seemed to be coping so well on the outside, it really didn't cross our minds that you were hurting so much inside. We've talked about it, ofcourse we have. We thought maybe it would hit you properly once your exams were out of the way. But we should have asked you. And we're sorry that we've let this happen." Her mum reached out and took Tillys hand, squeezing gently. Tilly looked away. The more they said, the worse she felt.

"I've made you an appointment at the Dr's. With a counsellor." Tilly instantly opened her mouth to protest but her Dad jumped in.

"You need to do this, Tilly. Hiding your feelings away, and pretending their not there doesn't work. I think being expelled from school is proof of that. So, next week, we want you to rest. Listen to music, watch rubbish day time TV" her Dad said, trying to lighten the mood slightly. He grinned, and Tilly smirked back at him, relieved his mood had picked back up slightly.

"And after that, you'll go the the appointment your mums made for you. At some point, we need to find out what we're going to do about your A levels. What your options are. But I don't want you worrying about that for now, ok?" Tilly took a deep breath and pulled out her best smile.

"Thanks so much for understanding guys. I promise to go to see the counsellor, but I can't promise to watch Jeremy Kyle" she said, pulling a face. Both her parents laughed and she relaxed a little.

Actually, they were right. She hadn't dealt with losing Maddie, Neil and Jono. Apart from writing those e-mails to Jen, she'd never properly talked about it with anyone. Even though she'd used Maddie as an excuse, it was dawning on her that it wasn't a complete lie. She hadn't grieved properly, her mind occupied with A levels and thoughts of Jen. But that wasn't going to be a problem anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

At 2am, Tilly was still wide awake. Talking with her parents had glossed over the depth of her feelings for a while, but as soon as she'd returned to her room, they engulfed her once more. She didn't try and block it out. What was the point? Amongst the feelings of self-hatred, and grief, the anger still bubbled away in the pit of her stomach. It was scary how much things could change in a year. This time last year, she was so sure of everything. Secure in her friendship group, determined with her studies.

_How could I have got so lost?_

She pulled herself out of bed and walked over to her window, pulling back the curtains. Although there were no stars to be seen, she imagined three shining lights, gleaming down at her.

"I'm so sorry guys" she breathed, peering up at the sky. "I wish I'd been with you. I wish I'd protected you. What I said earlier, to my mum... I meant every word. You _have_ left a massive hole in my life. And no one, not Jen, not anyone, will ever fill it. You were right, Maddie. She is a bitch. I can only begin to imagine what you'd do if you were here now..."

The thought made her smile. She shook her head and went to the draw the curtains. Just before she closed them completely, she took one last look at her three imaginary shining stars.

"Sweet dreams guys."

Tilly woke the next day to the sound of her phone. She sat up quickly, fumbling around on her bedside table. It stopped ringing before she had a chance to answer. Seeing it was George that had tried to ring, she contemplated returning the call. She realised she had no idea how she was going to explain away being expelled to her friends. What was left of them, anyway. Her mind flittered to Sinead. Had Jen told them what had happened? Would Diane believe her? Ofcourse she would. Diane had always made Tilly feel like the situation between her and Jen was completely one-sided. It was clear the woman didn't want to accept that Jen had fallen for her student. If Sinead had caught wind of it, chances were news was already circulating. Maybe she should phone George back before he heard it from someone else? God, what did it matter? Esther was lying in hospital, battling liver failure, and she was worried about people gossiping. Thinking about Esther brought on a whole new onslaught of emotion that Tilly wasn't sure she could face. She still couldn't believe how she'd lied to protect Jen. She remembered back to the common room, where Jen was more worried about Tilly telling someone the truth than she was about the fact she'd left Esther in the folly, knowing full well something was wrong. How could she have done that?

Tilly realised she was once again letting Jen cloud her mind. She couldn't let this happen. She had to build a brick wall. Feeling this emotional was exhausting, draining all of her energy. Her thoughts turned to Maddie, Neil and Jonno. How was she going to bare the pain of talking about them with a counsellor? She wasn't sure she could handle another day like she'd had yesterday. On top of Jen, and Esther, it was too much to bare. As the decision was forming in her mind, she was torn. But she knew to get through the next few weeks she needed to be strong.

"Please don't hate me guys, but I might have to tell a few more lies" she whispered, closing her eyes. "If I can keep pretending that everythings ok, just for a while longer, then I can give Jen what she deserves. I promise you I won't forget. I love you."

All she had to do now, was convince the counsellor she was ok. That, and keep that little couldron of anger bubbling away inside of her. She was sure it was all she needed to make Jens world come crashing down around her.


	6. Chapter 6

_Authors note - Thanks so much for all of your reviews, I've had a long day at work and busy evening but will try and upload another chapter tonight! Enjoy and let me know if you have any ideas you want me to try and include :) Ruben x_

As the day moved on, time seemed to stand still for Tilly. She moved about the house restlessly, searching for something, anything, to occupy her mind. Deciding to block out her feelings, and actually doing it were two completely different things. She desperately needed the pain to stop. It was becoming physical, making her body ache and her head throb. The tears came and went silently, tracing lines down her delicate skin. What could she do with her time? She'd tried watching TV, listening to music, surfing the internet. But she couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes without feeling the need to stand up and move around. She'd turned off her phone again, not caring to know if news that she'd been expelled had made its way to her friends ears. She knew she should do some research online, try to find out what she could do about finishing her A levels. But the truth was, she was scared. Terrified that she'd find out that sitting her exams wouldn't be possible. Somewhere deep in her subconscious, she knew she was close to breaking point. Finding out she'd never get to university would tip her over the edge. She was relieved that both of her parents were working. She was uncomfortable in their presence, her dishonesty feeling like a second skin. It was almost surreal that they couldn't see it. Couldn't hear the pounding of her heart against her ribcage. She knew they'd be scrutinising her every move. It wasn't just the counsellor she was going to have to fool. She was going to have to pull off her best performance yet. If she'd learnt anything in the last year, it was how to wear a smile, even if inside she was in turmoil.

She was making yet another coffee sometime through the afternoon when there was a knock at the door. She jumped, the noise breaking through the bubble she'd consumed herself in. Her insides turned cold and her hands began to shake, the spoon wobbling uncertainly in her hand. Nearly every part of her wanted to make her way to the front door and answer it. But there was a tiny niggle, somewhere inside, that was telling her not to. So she kept out of sight, standing against the wall in the kitchen. Whoever it was knocked again, louder this time. Tilly held her breath, scared to move. Eventually, she heard the crunch of gravel as whoever it was made their way back down the drive. She slowly exhaled before sliding down the wall to floor. Drawing her knees to her chest, she hugged them tightly. Waiting for the shaking to subside and her breathing return to normal.

What was happening to her?

The daylight was drawing in and Tilly knew her parents would soon be home. She dragged herself upstairs to freshen up. Going to the bathroom, she lent on the sink and looked hard at her reflection.

_"I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror."_

She jolted at the memory. Was it really only yesterday? Why had she listened to Jen? She could have walked right out of that art lesson, going to Keeler before she changed her mind. She genuinely hadn't intended on doing it to hurt Jen. All she wanted to do was put things right. Tell the truth. Why had she let Jen get a reaction out of her? It didn't matter. She had to stop with the what-ifs and maybes. She couldn't change what she'd done. The choices she made. But she could change how she dealt with it. Starting with making a fool proof plan that would slowly pick apart Jens life. Destory everything Jen had worked so hard to get, just like she'd done to Tilly. She knew she could get it over with quickly. She had texts, phone logs, e-mails. Plenty of evidence to prove it was never the one-sided fantasy Jen claimed it to be. But that would be way too easy. No, she'd string it out. Cause as much damage as possible. She splashed water on her face and dried it slowly with a towel. Looking back at herself, she painted on her best smile.

_Time to toughen up, Evans._


	7. Chapter 7

_Authors note - would just like to thank Becky for her suggestion to write a chapter from Jens point of you. At the moment I'm struggling to truely believe that Jen would do what she did so don't think it would be a very convincing read. I promise to take your advice if I get some inspiration tho! Thank you again for all your reviews. Enjoy :) Ruben x_

Tilly woke early the next day, immdediately sensing the shift of emotion inside of her. Gone was the gripping anxiety and tortured guilt. She felt light as a feather, adrenaline surging through her as she jumped out of bed to shower and dress. She headed straight for the mirror and was relieved to see the spark in her eye. She smirked at her reflection. The fire was back, and she was definitely ready to start fighting.

Freshly showered, she took a while choosing her outfit and picking out a matching bow for her hair. She was itching to start working out her plan of action, but wanted to face her parents first. Let them see that she was still the Tilly the knew and loved. Slicking on some lip balm, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen.

"Morning guys" she smiled, reaching past her dad for a mug.

"Well you look brighter. Good nights sleep?" her mum asked, looking up from the magazine she'd been flicking through.

"Yep, really good" she replied. "Anyone for coffee?"

"Not me for me, I'm off now", her Dad replied, giving her arm a squeeze as he walked past.

As she turned to fill the kettle, she watched her parents glance at eachother, communicating with their eyes. What were they thinking? That her happiness was fake? Smiles forced? No way. Whatever had been going on inside her head yesterday had, thankfully, disappeared. Thae brick wall she'd been desperately trying to build around her heart was now a solid foundation. Nothing at all was knocking it down. She smirked to herself as she turned off the tap. Today was going to be a good day.

Once her parents had left, she settled herself down at the kitchen table with her phone and laptop. She switched on her phone, waiting for the influx of messages. She didn't know whether to be relieved or dissapointed that it only buzzed three times. Two messages from George, and one from Pheobe. She didn't bother reading the texts, just carried on scrolling through to her conversation thread with Jen. Clicking onto it, she waited for the flood of emotion, an onslaught of longing for the woman who could change her mood with one simple text. But no. She felt nothing. Just the need to read back through the messages and work out where she should start.

An hour later, and Tilly was on a roll. She'd successfully kept her feelings at bay, the numbness allowing her to form a manipulative and calculating plan. She'd realised quite quickly that not telling the truth about her and Jens relationship had given her alot of power. She relished in the thought that Jen would carry on living in fear, knowing that Tilly could go to the college at anytime and prove that she'd lied about the harrassment. A part of her still wondered if thats what she should do. Get it over with, and put the whole sorry mess behind her. But Tilly knew that the implications of that meant her parents finding out, and would probably wreck any chance she had left at getting into a good university. She wanted to bring Jen down, but wasn't prepared to chuck her own life away in the process. She'd already lost too much. She stood up and flicked the kettle on, butterflies flittering away in her stomach. Stage one of her plan was complete. Once it had come to her, she couldn't believe how stupid she'd been to have overlooked it before. After researching it thoroughly on the internet, she knew it was foolproof. She was going to appeal her expulsion.


	8. Chapter 8

_Authors note - Just wanted to say thanks for all your ideas! Without giving too much away, I hope you guys aren't dissapointed... It may not go down the route some of you are thinking! Please keep leaving your lovely reviews, it makes me want to keep writing more :) Ruben x_

It was hard to believe it was only last Monday that Tilly had felt like her life had finished before it had properly begun. Since planning to appeal her exclusion, things had moved quickly. She'd been excited to tell her parents, certain they'd support her with it and help her put together a presentation. But it was clear as soon as she'd told them that they didn't quite share her level of enthusiasm.

"What happened to having a rest, Tilly?" her Dad asked, frowning at the information she'd put infront of them.

"Yeah I tried that, wasn't working" she replied, waving her hand to dismiss the idea. "I need to focus again. Get things back ok track."

They had reluctantly looked through the information she'd gathered from the internet, before exchanging another look between them.

"Tilly..." her Mum started, but Tilly stopped her. She was annoyed, needing more than anything to hear that they were going to help her get back into sixth form.

"I don't get it, what's the problem? I know you told me not to worry about my A levels for now, but how can I not? Sitting around not doing anything about it is just making me feel worse. Look, you've read all that. You know there's a good chance I could win the appeal. _Please_, guys. Help me out with this."

Her Mum appeared convinced, but her Dad glanced back at the sheets infront of him, before looking back at her with apprehension in his eyes.

"Look, I'm really happy that you want to do this, Tilly. And I'm pleased that you came to use about it before steaming ahead..." he trailed off.

"But?" Tilly questioned, annoyance spreading through her. Why was he overthinking this so much? Surely he wanted her back in school just as much as she did.

"But, I think we need to remember why you got expelled in the first place. Even if the governors understood the reasons behind your actions, there's nothing to say Miss Gilmore would be so quick to understand. I'm worried that if you push too hard too quickly, she might reconsider pressing charges. Have you thought about that?"

Tilly pressed her lips together, knowing she would have to choose her next words carefully. Ofcourse she'd thought about how 'Miss Gilmore' would feel about her appeal. It was, after all, the driving force behind the idea. She wished she'd be able to see the look on her face, when she was told that Tilly was fighting to return to the 6th form. She knew, for obvious reasons, that there was no chance of Jen reporting her to the police. But she couldn't let her parents know just how sure she was.

"Of course. But don't you think she'd have done it by now if she planned to? Look, say if everything went to plan and the governors decided I could go back, they'd have to speak to her about it first right? Before making a final decision. I'm sure the worst she'll do is refuse to agree that I could return. She's a teacher for Gods sake, surely she wouldn't want to completely destroy my future." Tilly had to supress a smirk at her last remark. Ironically, that's exactly what the teacher had done.

Her Dad sighed, and looked to her Mum who smiled at him knowingly. He shook his head, smiling lightly.

"Any sign of trouble, and you stop with the appeal. Understood?"

The next day, Tilly had rung the school. Her palms had felt cold, the jittering in her stomach making her heart pick up speed. She needed this to work, so badly, and knew she had to approach this with a level head. It hadn't gone as planned, the receptionist informing her that Mr Keeler was currently unavailable. Tilly explained her reasons for phoning, and the receptionist had promised that someone would ring her back as soon as possible. She'd spent the day cleaning and tidying, the adrenaline giving her energy that she wasn't sure what to do with. As much as she wanted to start planning phase two of her plan, she didn't want to jinx it. She hadn't figured out what she would do if her appeal didn't work. Probably just go to the police and report Jen. She'd have nothing left to lose by then. There was noway she'd be able to sit back and let Jen carry on with her precious career, knowing that she'd never be able to live out her own childhood dream. As 5oclock rolled round, with no word from the school, Tilly was starting to worry. She wasn't sure how long she'd be able to wait, but knew she couldn't keep ringing the school every five minutes. Her Mum had arrived home from work, and Tilly was upstairs in the bathroom when the phone had started to ring and she hadn't heard it. When she'd gone back downstairs, she'd caught the tail-end of her Mums conversation on the phone. Her heart leapt into her mouth. It had to be the school.

"Yes, ofcourse... I understand... No, that shouldn't be a problem... Brilliant, thanks very much... Ok, bye." Tillys mum hung up on the phone and finished writing something on a piece of paper. Tilly watched her, holding her breath. Finally she turned to face Tilly.

"That was the school. Apparently, Mr Keeler has left" her mum said, a confused look on her face. Tilly stared at her. Keeler was gone? What had happened? What did this mean for her?

"What, why? What did they say about the appeal?" Tillys questions came out rushed, all tumbling over eachother as they left her tongue.

"I have no idea. But the deputy has set up a meeting for us, next Tuesday at 4pm. They've not appointed a new head yet, but you'll be able to present your case to the governors. Then they'll take it from there." Tilly was struggling to take in the new information, and didn't want to get ahead of herself.

"So, what your saying is they'll hear me out? Give me a chance?" she couldn't stop the smile that was spreading across her face.

"Yep. Don't take this the wrong way, Tilly, but this is just the first hurdle. One step at a time, ok?" Tilly nodded eagerly.

"Looks like we've got an exciting weekend ahead, then", her mum joked, rolling her eyes. Tilly just grinned at her.

_Oh yes, mother. Very exciting._

As promised, her parents spent the weekend helping her put down in words everything that had happened which had lead upto her 'stalking' Miss Gilmore. Tilly had found it quite amusing, writing about infatuation and confusion. It was amazing how hard she'd become towards Jen. Had she thought about it, she would have realised that her need to destroy Jen was born out of love, not hate. But all Tilly could see was a path of destruction.

Once they had finished the preperation, Tilly had taken herself to her room. She needed to text George, let him know that she was ok. He'd sent more texts over the past few days, full of concern and wondering what was going on. The last anyone had seen or heard of Tilly was in Keelers office. She didn't tell him what had happened, just that she was sorry she hadn't been in touch, but she needed some space. It was obvious that no one had found out she'd been expelled. She was going to ask how Esther was, but couldn't bring herself to. That was one wound that was still wide open. She didn't feel like she deserved to know, still believing that Esther wouldn't be in that hospital bed if it wasn't for her. And Jen, ofcourse. She blamed Jen more than she blamed herself.

Monday was dragging slowly, uneventful compared to last weeks trials. Tilly was feeling pretty pleased with herself. Oh, how Jen had underestimated her. Thinking she could go charging into Keelers office, throwing allegations about. Discard Tilly like a screwed up piece of paper. Tilly exchanged a few texts with George, trying to be as vague as possible. She missed him. She missed everything about her former life.

_Stop. Don't do this now. Not when you're so close to getting what you want._


	9. Chapter 9

"As you all know, Mr Keeler expelled me last week for stalking Miss Gilmore. Text messages, phone calls... Purposely bumping into her in the village. I could go on, but I'm guessing you already know the grounds of my exclusion. I know most of the time, when a student appeals, its because they feel the school was unfair in their decision. But that's not why I'm here. I want you to know that I completely understand why I was expelled. What I did was wrong, and I deeply regret it. Miss Gilmore did what any good teacher would have done, supporting her students through a tragedy that effected so many of us. But somewhere along the line, I got confused."

Tilly looked down at the paper infront of her, but the words were swimming about on the page. She looked up at the governors, faltering slightly. She felt her wall start to wobble, the bricks becoming lose. She swallowed hard.

_Come on Tilly, this is your chance. You can do this._

"Maddie, Neil and Jono were such a huge part of my life. I couldn't even begin to try and explain to you what it did to me, losing them all in one unjustified swoop. I was so consumed in grief, it felt like I was drowning. Miss Gilmore was the only person who managed to reach through it. I don't know why. She just seemed to know the right things to say. I became infatuated with her, I realise that now. She was a small light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel and I ran for it, desperate to battle through the depression. I'm not excusing what I've done. I feel awful that I put Miss Gilmore through so much after she was kind enough to be so supportive. But I need you to know, my actions were completely out of character. I'm a straight A student. My friends call me a geek, and get annoyed with me when I'd rather stay in and revise than go out with them. Now I'm starting to feel better, I'm mortified at what I did. To be honest, it doesn't feel real. It's like that was a different person, someone who took over me for a while."

She stopped, her second wind rapidly declining. It was making her feel sick, all this stuff about how lovely and kind Miss Gilmore was. It was so far removed from the truth that Tilly couldn't believe the words were actually leaving her mouth. Still, she had to finish this. It was nearly over, then all she'd have to do was wait. She had to leave here knowing that she'd done everything she could to claw her way back. She felt her mums hand find hers and gently squeeze. Tilly glanced at her and smiled.

"If you rethink the decision to permanently exclude me, you have my word that I will never act like that again. All I want to do is complete my A levels. I'll keep my head down, move quietly from class to class. Stick by every rule. Anything, so that I can take my exams. I promise you that nothing like this will happen again."

She sat still for a minute, quietly holding her breath. All four governors were looking down, scribbling on pads of paper. It was disconcerting, knowing they were writing about her but having no idea what they were thinking. Sat beside her were her parents, the three of them a united front. Both had left work early to be here with Tilly today, and she was genuinely grateful for their support. Arriving and walking into the school had been more nerve wracking than she realised it would be. The adrenaline was still there, along with the anger she'd mustered up in the car. Reminding herself of all the things Jen had done. Her selfishness, her inability to put anyone else before herself. But when they'd pulled up at the school, Tilly had felt the anxiety creeping in. The past week, she'd been in a bubble. Moving about the house, not having to think about the outside world. Back at the school, it all felt too real. The situation she was in hit her full force, nearly knocking the wind out of her. It felt ridiculous, walking upto the main doors, that she was about to beg for a chance to walk through these corridors again. Sit in those classrooms. On a deeper level, she was absolutely petrified about bumping into Jen. She just hoped that Jen was already aware of the meeting, knowing that she'd avoid this part of the building like the plague. Thankfully, Jen had been nowhere in sight and Tilly and her parents hadn't had to wait long at reception before being ushered into the room where the governors were waiting for them.

And now, it was over. She'd said everything she could. She slowly let her breath out, trying to regulate her heartbeat. Eventually, one of the governors looked up from his writing.

"Thank you, Matilda. I'd like to say, on behalf of us all, that we're sorry such a mature and intelligent student has found themselves in this situation. We'll now discuss what we've heard today and will report our decision back to the Acting Headteacher as soon as possible. As you're probably aware, we will be speaking with Miss Gilmore and she will need to be a part of the decision process, which may mean it takes slightly longer than normal. Do you have any questions?" Tilly shook her head and began to stand. She was feeling slightly dizzy.

"Thank you very much for your time" Tillys Mum said, resting her hand on Tillys shoulder. Tillys Dad gave the governors his best smile, before pulling the door open.

"Thank you" Tilly stated simply, before making for the door. She kept on walking, down the corridor, desperate for some air. Adrenaline was pumping through her again, making her feel light headed. She heard her parents footsteps tapping along the lino, trying to catch up to her. She finally made it outside and lent against the nearest wall, drawing in deep breaths. As her parents reached her, she turned to them and smiled.

"Sorry, just needed the air. God, that was nerve wracking!" she said, trying to act more light hearted than she felt. It was terrifying. Knowing her future hung on every word that she spoke. They walked back to the car, aimlessly chatting about how it had gone. By the time they were on there way home, Tilly was feeling much better. The worst was over. She knew she'd made a good impression in there. Jen would feel she had no choice but to agree to Tillys readmittance, and Keeler wasn't going to be there to chuck any spanners in the works. Tilly had a good feeling about this. Now all she had to do was wait. Wait for the phone call that would shape the rest of her life.


	10. Chapter 10

That evening, Tilly ran herself a bath, filling it with her favourite bubbles. She couldn't relax, and hoped the hot water and soothing scents would somehow soothe away the nausea that had settled on her after the meeting. Although she knew it had gone well, she was beginning to feel sick with the unfairness of the situation. She was still struggling to come to terms with what Jen had done to her. She felt worthless. Completely, and utterly worthless. Jen had meant everything to her. Last summer, she was genuinely ready to give up everything and run to the otherside of the world. Not just because it meant they could be together properly, but because she thought it was what Jen wanted. The way she'd spoken about how carefree life was whilst she was travelling. After the bush crash, despite Jen choosing the job over her, she had seeked confort in her. Writing her e-mails that she never sent. Just to feel close to the one person that she knew could stop her hurting. And when she'd finally come back, telling her she loved her, Tilly had thrown caution to the wind and given in to Jens baiting. Despite every instinct screaming at her not to, she'd melted into Jen once more. Well, that had been the biggest mistake of all time. So whilst Jen had been the life and soul she'd breathed, what had she really meant to Jen in return? What made Jen so incapable of showing her emotions? The woman blushed everytime she said 'I love you', for God sake. What was strange, was the fact that Jen so openly loved the world around her. Seeing beauty in everything, captivated by nature. She was so passionate about everything she saw, feeling the potential to turn the most simplest of things into a mesmorising piece of art. So why did she completely shut herself down when it came to Tilly? It wasn't all the time. Sometimes, she'd let herself be vulnerable. Showing Tilly how much she cared with simple gestures that meant so much. But just as quickly, she could turn it off and it was like coming up against a brick wall.

_Here I go again, Jen, Jen, Jen._

She sighed. Her composure was slipping. She had her first meeting with the counsellor tomorrow. She'd already planned what she was going to say. That yes, she'd struggled with the grief and it had made her do some stupid things. But she was feeling alot better now, time off from school and the pressure of her exams having helped a great deal. She wasn't sure if it would work. As great a liar as she'd become, she knew they could spot someone like Tilly a mile off. Someone who was refusing to accept what had happened. Someone pretending to be ok, when inside they were broken.

Once out of the bath, Tilly changed into her comfiest pjamas, enjoying the feel of the flannel like material against her skin. The bath hadn't really helped, if anything it had made things worse. Relaxing meant the wall had lost a few bricks, and the pain and anxiety had sensed the oppurtunity to descend into her heart. She climbed into bed and pulled the duvet tightly around herself, trying to block everything out and focus on the task ahead. Tomorrow was a new day. Another chance to show everyone how well she was doing, how determined she was to move forward. She knew she should start working out phase two of her plan, but her heart wasn't in it. She typed out a goodnight text to George, then snuggled down into the duvet, letting sleep engulf her. She dreamt of many things through the night. Mostly random happenings, full of people she didn't recognise. But at some point, Jen was there. Stood at the end of a long, dark tunnel, just like the one she'd described to the governors. Reaching out her hand. A smile on her face. The smile that had melted Tillys heart ten times over.


	11. Chapter 11

_Authors note - hey guys, thank you so much once again for your reviews. I hope your not disappointed with what your about to read, I know its not what some of you were expecting! Special thank you to my 'number one fan' ;) Enjoy! Ruben x p.s all lyrics belong to The Lumineers, and I've altered them ever so slightly._

Wednesday morning, and Tilly had woken early. Tossing and turning, trying to ignore the churning in her stomach. She'd reached a decision. She couldn't face the counsellor. Feeling weak like this, she'd crumble under the gentle words, the leading questions. The night before, her mum had offered to stay home from work to take her, and Tilly was thankful that she'd told her not to. They wouldn't find out she hadn't gone, it was confidential. She felt awful that she'd have to lie to them once again, especially after everything they had done for her in the last week. She marvelled at how lucky she was to have such supportive parents. She thought of George, and Pheobe, and the hundreds of others who didn't have that safety net, the unconditional love that only a parent could provide. She thought of Esther in hospital, who had felt so alone she'd wanted to die. Maybe she should go and visit her today? No. It would be selfish. If Esther didn't want her there, she'd stay away. That was one friendship she didn't deserve.

After practically pushing her mum out the door, she stumbled through her morning routine and made her way back downstairs, flicking the kettle on. Sitting in the living room with a coffee, she blindly watched the TV. Her mind was elsewhere, trying to muster up the anger she'd kept alive since being expelled. She knew it was there, somewhere, but she was struggling to unleash it. In its place was a painful ache, deep within her. She stood up abruptly, determined to regain her strength, fix that brick wall that was supposed to be protecting her heart. Grabbing her coat and bag, she left the house, taking in big lungfuls of the crisp morning air.

Reaching the folly, she wasn't quite sure how she'd got there. The tears had started at some point, huge sobs escaping from deep within her stomach, making it hard to catch her breath. Whatever hope she had left of keeping strong had vanished, as she gave into the grief that ripped through her entire body. Sitting down on the bench, she fumbled blindly in her bag, pulling out her earphones. She didn't care anymore. Didn't care that she couldn't hold it together. Why should she? The worst part about it, was the reason for her tears. She wanted them to be for Maddie, Neil and Jonno. She wanted them to be for Esther. She wanted them to be for guilt, or for telling so many barefaced lies to her parents. But they weren't for any of those things. It was all part of it, God ofcourse it was. She'd give anything to turn back time, make different choices.

_But not as much as I'd give to turn back time, and change what Jen's done._

Oh, how she hated herself for it. But it was the truth. Finally the denial was gone, and Tilly allowed herself to accept what she'd always known. That she didn't hate Jen. She couldn't hate her. She'd never be able to report their relationship. And there wasn't going to be some big revenge plan. Despite what Jen had done, Tilly still loved her with everything she had. And whilst she couldn't forgive her, there no was point carrying on trying to fool herself that she had it in her to hurt Jen. She couldn't hurt a hair on her head. Tilly let the realisation engulf her, the sobs catching in her throat as they struggled to escape.

_I'm so sorry, Maddie. Hate me for it. You too, Neil and Jonno. Hate me for caring more about her. I wish I didn't. I wish it didn't matter so much. But it does. I miss you guys, so much, and would give anything to have you back. But I need to cry for her. Cry for what she's done. I'm so sorry_.

She was trying to untangle her earphones, her hands shaking violently and the tears still streaming down her face. Eventually she managed to put them in her ears, and pulled up her playlist. Finding the song she was looking for, she pulled her legs up onto the bench and buried her face into her knees.

_She'll lie and steal and cheat, and beg you from her knees  
Make you thinks she means it this time  
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair  
But I still love her, I don't really care  
When we were young, oh we did enough  
When it got cold, we bundled up  
I can't be told, it can't be done  
It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all  
The opposite of love's indifference  
Pay attention now,  
I'm standing on your porch screaming out  
And I wont leave until you come downstairs  
I don't blame you dear for running like you did, all these years  
I would do the same, you best believe  
The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore  
I never trusted my own eyes_

She pulled the earphones abruptly from her ears. She couldn't listen to anymore. She couldn't listen to anything. The walls of the folly were caving in around her and she leapt up, terrified. She began to panic as her breath became shallow. Grabbing her bag, she turned to the steps and stumbled up them. As she reached the top, she bumped straight into something. She hopped backwards, the shock of the unexpected obstacle making her jump. But as she wiped her eyes to get a clearer view, time froze. Her entire insides turned cold and she felt her heart stop. She hadn't bumped into something. She'd bumped into Jen.


	12. Chapter 12

_Authors note - Hey guys, sorry this is late, I've really been struggling with this. I know exactly where I want to take the story now, just trying to find a way of getting there! Will try and get into it again properly tomorrow! I can't take full credit for this chapter, and would like to thank love-like-fools for her input! Hope you enjoy guys :) Ruben x_

Both women stood, frozen in time. Tilly's tears momentarily stopping as she tried to comprehend the situation she was in. She wasn't entirely sure that her heart had started beating again. She couldn't move. Just stood and stared, at the woman before her. Jen looked beautiful. Absolutely fucking beautiful. Her royal blue dress setting off her dark hair and clear complexion, her Parka jacket hanging from her broad shoulders. She was looking straight into Tillys eyes, her own instantly filling with tears at the sight of Tillys fragile state. She instinctively reached out to her, her hand stopping short just centimetres from Tillys. But Tilly couldn't move. Didn't even flinch as Jens hand had moved towards hers. She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to describe how she felt. Numb didn't feel like the right word. It was more like there was so many emotions tearing through her heart, it was stopping her from being able to think, or feel anything.

"Tilly... What's wrong?" As soon as she'd said it, Jen pulled her hand back and looked away. It was so feeble, so weak.

Hearing Jens voice, Tillys stomach turned cold. She couldn't believe how amazing it was to hear the tenderness, resonating through her head. Just as a huge sob escaped from her stomach, a painful sensation shot through her legs and they crumpled beneath her. OVERWHELMED. That was the word. Yes, definitely overwhelmed. She was vaguely aware that she was on the ground, fumbling her way to a sitting position. She could smell the sweet perfection of Jens perfume, and realised she was knelt infront of her. She could feel Jens hands touch her cheeks, pulling Tillys head up to meet her eyes, and stared deeply into them.

"I'm sorry, Tilly. I'm so sorry." It came out in little more than a whisper, her own emotions hitting her full force. She kept her hands firmly where they were, stroking away every tear that dripped from Tillys eyes. She was talking again, Tilly knew that. Could see Jens mouth moving, focusing on a tiny dot of red lipstick that had smudge on her bottom lip. But she couldn't hear what she was saying. All she could hear was The Lumineers, as clearly as if she still had her earphones in.

_She'll lie and steal and cheat, and beg you from her knees, _  
_Make you think she means it this time..._

Jen was still speaking.

"If I could change it Tilly, I would. You know that, don't you?" Jen was looking desperately at Tilly. Her face was so close, Tilly could see the flecks of amber in her eyes. She could see the small beauty spot just above her cheek bone. Why did she always cover it with foundation? Why did she try and mask her beauty from the world? Tilly studied her forehead. Could see the faint lines of worry and stress, etched into her skin like a poem. A poem of forbidden love. How long had those lines been there? She didn't see this part of Jens face often, her thick silky fringe usually fell right to her eyebrows. Tilly preffered it that way.

"Why do you keep pinning your fringe back? It looks better down." Tilly heard the words escape her mouth, but she wasn't sure that she'd said them. It didn't even sound like her.

Jen just stared at her, worry flashing through her eyes. Tilly looked down, suddenly feeling tired. She just wanted to curl up, right here on the ground, and sleep. But Jens hands were holding on tight to her face, and she needed the touch too much to pull away. Somewhere inside herself, she knew it was dangerous. Knew that once she'd fought herself out of the bubble she was stuck in, she'd want to be as far away from Jen as possible. But right now, she didn't have the strength to fight.

"Tilly, look at me. Please." She pulled her eyes up, and melted into Jens eyes. She was moving before her brain had a chance to catch up, reaching her hands inside Jens coat to find her body. But as soon as she touched Jen, the spell was broken. Reality crashed into her as she pulled away and grabbed at Jens hands, pulling them from her face with a strength she didn't know she had. Jen let out a shout, shocked. Tilly stood up, her whole body shaking with the effort. Jen moved quickly, trying to pull Tilly to her. But Tilly was strong with emotion, knocking Jen backwards. Fire was rushing through her body, and as she looked into Jens eyes, she felt it surge right up her body and into her throat.

"Stop! Whatever it is you're trying to do, stop! God, how I hate what you've done! What WEVE done. But I can't hate you. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't. I don't want to forgive you. I don't ever want to forgive what you've put me through. So don't do this. Don't try and fix me. Because I'll give in, and that's not fair!"

She turned then, and began to run. Run faster than she'd ever run in her life. She ran all the way home, up the drive and into the house, the door slamming behind her. She couldn't believe the force of her emotions. Couldn't believe it was possible to feel so fired up with love, and resentment. She fell onto the sofa as a thought crept into her mind.

_Even if they let me back into 6th form, how am I going to be able to walk in there everyday? Knowing she's near. Knowing I could bump into her everytime I'm walking down the corridor, everytime I round a corner. And everytime I see her, it will chip away at me a bit more. And it will keep chipping until I won't be able to remember this. Won't remember the force of the pain that she's caused. All I will know is that I still love her._


	13. Chapter 13

_Authors note - Really sorry I haven't updated in a while! Life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes. Please keep leaving your lovely reviews, they all make me smile :) Let me know if you have any ideas/suggestions! Ruben x_

The butterflies in Tillys stomach felt as if they could fly out of her mouth, and her palms were cold and sweaty. She couldn't quite believe she was here. Sat in reception at college, waiting to meet the new headteacher. The same headteacher that had phoned her the Friday before, telling her that the governors had reached a decision. They were letting her return. It should have been the new she was waiting for. The news that would snap her out of the depression she could feel herself sinking into. She'd waited for the excitement, the relief. But it didn't come. And as he went on to say how Miss Gilmore was giving special consideration, due to the circumstances, she felt the queasiness curl into her stomach. It had taken everything she had not to hang up. She had to listen to him saying how lucky she was to have a second chance. How lucky she was that Miss Gilmore had been so understanding. Her emotions were once again gripping her painfully, and she wasn't sure how she really felt. She quickly agreed to a meeting the following Monday, and promptly hung up.

The past week had been such a difficult one, and she was angry at herself for what had happened at the Folly. Angry that Jen had seen her in such a state. Angry that she'd wanted Jen to hold her, so badly, even after everything that had happened. The irony of the situation had hit her. The only person that could truely take the pain away, was the one that had caused it in the first place. It wasn't just the lies Jen had told to Keeler. It was the lies she told to Tilly, after Esther tried to kill herself. Tilly had been so angry with her, disgusted that Jen could lie about something so important, just to save herself. She'd come across so nochalant, like Esther trying to commit suicide wasn't important. Like leaving her there in the Folly when she clearly needed help didn't mean she was partly to blame for Esther nearly dieing. Because that was the truth. And surely Jen knew that. If she hadn't have been so caught up in Esther realising she was there with Tilly, she would have stopped and tried to find out what was wrong. It was so difficult for Tilly to accept that the woman she loved could be capable of something like that.

The rest of the week had passed slowly, confusion and hurt consuming every thought. She'd had to lie yet again to her parents, telling them she'd been to the counsellor. Brushing off their concern about her fragile state, pretending it was the stress of waiting for the governors verdict. She hadn't been able to use Maddie as an excuse again, she didn't have it in her. Tilly was afraid that Maddies death was already becoming stained with the lies she was telling. She'd managed to get through the weekend on auto-pilot, obsessing over Jen and everything that had happened between them. Her mind whirred with thoughts of the weeks to come. How it would be to see Jen again. She'd had to do it all before, but this time was different. This time, there was too much unspoken emotion. Too many unanswered questions. Sunday night had been torterous, tossing and turning as her stomach churned. She craved Jen so much. Craved her smell, the feel of her curves beneath her hands. She craved her company, the carefree conversation and childish flirting. She was like a drug. Tilly knew she was bad for her, that Jen could do nothing but hurt her and chuck her even further into the hellhole she was sinking into. But she couldn't help herself. Couldn't help feeling like she needed Jen, just to breathe. At least she'd have the barriers of college to keep her away. There was noway Tilly would be able to so much as let her gaze linger on Jen without repurcussions. As far as the college, and all the teachers were concerned, Tilly was a crazy stalker who had harrassed Jen. The last thing she wanted was to add fuel to the fire. It humiliated her to think that they'd all be thinking that about her.

Monday morning had come all too soon, and Tilly had only managed a couple of hours sleep. She'd worked through her morning routine, the anxiety making her agitated. Her parents had wanted to come with her, but Tilly had insisted on going alone. She'd made a feeble excuse about wanting to look independant, mature. They'd reluctantly agreed, but her Mum had insisted on driving her to the college on her way to work. They'd pulled up outside the college and had sat in silence for a moment, Tilly overcome with nerves and her Mum sensing Tillys apprehension.

"You sure you don't want me to come in?" her Mum asked, placing a reassuring hand on Tillys knee. She looked at her mum and forced a smile onto her face.

"I'll be fine" Tilly replied, pushing the door open and getting out of the car. She turned and leant back in, grabbing her handbag from the seatwell. When she looked up, her mum was looking at her, the worry evident in her eyes.

"Stop worrying! Look, I'll text you as soon as I know what's happening. I'd better go." She threw one last smile at her mum before closing the door and heading towards the college.

She'd moved through the corridors swiftly, her heart in her throat. It felt so surreal being back in the building, like it belonged in a former life. She'd experienced so much emotionally since being expelled, she felt like a different person to the girl who had walked out of Jens artroom that day. Reporting to the receptionist, she'd sunk gratefully into a chair. It wasn't long before the receptionist stood up, and gestured for Tilly to follow her. She stood on shakey legs and moved slowly, trailing behind the receptionist towards the headteachers office.


	14. Chapter 14

As Tilly followed the receptionist into the headteachers office, she struggled with her emotions, trying to stay calm. She wasn't sure if she could trust herself in this meeting. Wasn't sure she'd be able to hold it together, and keep the anxiety and frustration at bay. She was realising now, more than ever, that she honestly wasn't sure if she could come back. Return to the college, day after day, after everything that had happened over the past few weeks. At home, she could hide away in her a little bubble, letting her emotions run freely. The only people she had to interact with were her parents. But here, she'd have to spend the majority of the day talking and laughing like her heart wasn't broken. And to make matters worse, the woman who had caused it to shatter into a thousand pieces would be dangerously close by. In the same building, but completely untouchable.

"Tilly, good to see you" the headteacher said, standing up and snapping her back to the harsh reality. Reaching a hand across the desk, he smiled warmly. Tilly stuck her hand out weakly, hoping he didn't notice the tremor moving through her arm.

"I'm Mr Blake, your new headteacher. Please, take a seat."

"Nice to meet you", Tilly said, sitting down and giving him a wobbly smile. Already she could tell how different this man was to Keeler. The professionalism oozed from him, and she felt slightly intimidated. She had no doubt in her mind that if he'd been in charge when Jen had made the allegations, that she'd probably never have been expelled in the first place. He would have followed proper protocol, investigated it, and possibly would have found out the truth. Tillys stomach jolted slightly at the thought.

"I'd like to get straight to the point. I've got work to do, and I'm sure you're looking forward to getting back to your classes." Tilly smiled tightly, nodding her head. If he'd known Tilly better, he'd have seen her eyes betray the smile. But he just glanced down at the file infront of him, scanning over it quickly before looking back up at her.

"Your teachers have put together a list of work and assignments you've missed. They're all confident you'll catch up easily. Looking at your file, I'm not surprised. You're a very promising student, Tilly." He smiled warmly at her, and Tilly began to relax. He was right. She _was_ a promising student, and no matter what was going on in her head, or her heart, nothing could take that away from her.

"Now, I understand you are in Miss Gilmores class for Art?" Tillys stomach dropped at hearing Jens name, and her body rushed with emotion.

_Nothing can take that away from me? Who am I kidding?_

"For obvious reasons, I felt the best option would be to remove you from her class. That way, neither of you will find yourself in a... umm... _compromising_ position." Tilly could feel her face burning with humiliation, and she worried Mr Blake would misinterprate her embarassment.

"Does this mean I won't be able to finish the course?" She asked, hoping he'd think her worry was the reason for her flushed face.

"No, ofcourse not. Miss Gilmore tells me you've nearly completed all of the necesary coursework." Tilly thought back to the day she got expelled. Tearing up her artwork, inadvertantly lashing out at Jen.

_Shit._

"But I've made arrangments for you join Mr Rileys class for the remainder of the year and he's assured me he can help you through the rest of the course. Ok?"

No, it's not ok.

"Yes, that's great. Thank you."

"Tilly, I know I don't have to tell you this, but you're really very lucky to be back here. Although you're a valued student at this college, and I AM genuinely pleased that you've been given a second chance, I don't want you to forget the seriousness of what you did. I appreaciate that it was clearly completely out of character, but it doesn't excuse your actions. I only want to hear great things about you from here on in. Understood?"

"I understand... And I'm grateful. For getting another chance and everything." Tilly could feel a lump forming in her throat, and prayed the headteacher wouldn't notice the tears that had begun to glisten in her eyes. She couldn't believe she'd just sat there, and listened to him tell her how lucky she was. _Lucky_? Her best friends were dead, Esther was fighting for her life in hospital, and Jen...

_Don't._

Mr Blake smiled at her and stood up, gesturing for her to do the same.

"Your teachers are aware that you're returning today, so I'll let you go. Don't let this set you back, Tilly. You've got an extremely bright future ahead of you. And you have my word that I'll do everything I can to help stop this effecting your progression to university." He walked around to the door and opened it to show Tilly out. She walked shakily out and turned to thank him again, before heading for the common room, keeping her head down. Her heart pumped eratically in her chest as she pushed her legs forward.

_You can do this, Tilly. Just a few more motnhs, and it will all be over. Then you can get away from Hollyoaks. Away from Jen._

She kept telling herself this as she walked, trying to reassure herself. The problem was, she just couldn't convince herself that it was what she wanted. Couldn't convince herself that she didn't want Jen back in her life.


	15. Chapter 15

Authors note - Three in one night! Hope this makes up for my lack of updating lately :) Thank you once again for all your lovely reviews, follows etc. Ruben x

She pushed open the door to the common room, exuding an air of confidence that was a far cry from the inner turmoil she was feeling. She scanned the room and her eyes fell on George and Pheobe, laughing at something on George's phone. Tilly felt a small sense of relief as she watched them, the familiarity of her friends a tiny comfort to the daunting prospect of the weeks to come. Maybe this was what she needed. Maybe once she settled back into a normal routine, with the people she cared about, the weight of emotions she'd been carrying around since Esthers suicide attempt would slowly lift.

Taking a deep breathe, she walked over to where George and Pheobe were sat and threw herself down next to them.

"Hey you!" she said lightly to George, as they turned to look at her. George looked at Pheobe, who raised her eyebrows, before glancing back at Tilly.

"Still alive then", he stated coldly. Tilly felt momentarily confused, looking to Pheobe then back at George.

"What do you mean?" George didn't answer, just looked down and fiddled with his phone. Tilly looked at Pheobe and raised her eyebrows, silently asking her what was going on. But Pheobe just turned away and pulled out her own phone.

"Georgie?! You're not honestly annoyed that I haven't been in, are you?!" Tilly asked, nudging him slightly to get his attention. What was this? She knew she'd missed a few of his calls, and hadn't replied to his texts over the weekend. She'd been too restless about that meeting with Mr Blake to be able to concentrate on replying to his neverending questions about her whereabouts. But it wasn't like George to be so off about something like that. Finally, he looked up from his phone and looked at her.

"No, of course not. But we haven't seen or spoken to you since that day in Keelers office, then you disappear with nothing but the odd text. Incase you'd forgotten, Pheobe got suspended that day. Did you ask her how she was? Reply to her texts?" Tilly looked down, guilt settling uneasily on her chest. She'd been so caught up in the events that had happened to _her_ that day, she'd completely forgotten that Pheobe had been suspended.

"And what about Esther. You've visited her ONCE since she tried to kill herself." George was raising his voice and Tilly couldn't stand it. Because she realised exactly how it looked like to them. Pheobe had been suspended, Esther was lying in hospital, and as far as they were concerned she'd just completely disregarded all of them because she 'needed some time on her own.' She had no doubt that George would understand, if she told him the truth. But she couldn't. Jen had seen to that. God, what else was she going to lose because of that woman? The lump was forming in her throat again, but this time she didn't try and fight it. She felt the tears pooling in her eyes as she grabbed George's hand.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been a crap friend. But I'm here now and I swear I'll make it up to you. To ALL of you", she said, looking at Pheobe who was staring straight ahead with a hard look on her face. She felt a tear slide down her cheek, and brushed it away roughly with her palm. She looked back to George and squeezed his hand. He looked at her sadly and pulled his hand away.

"We're all hurting, Tills. Doesn't mean we just swan off when it suits us though, does it?" He stood up and grabbed his bag.

"Coming?" he asked, looking at Pheobe. She stood up and gathered her stuff, before turning to Tilly.

"Esther's fine, by the way. Incase you care. The transplant went well." With that, they walked away and out of the common room, leaving Tilly sat on the sofa alone. God, why hadn't she asked? She'd just assumed that Esther was doing ok, knowing George would have told her if things had taken a turn for the worse. But she should have asked anyway, instead of being such a coward.

_They'll come round. Give them time._

Even though Tilly knew it wouldn't take long for George to cool down, it didn't make her feel any better. She felt awful that she'd distanced herself so much from them and completely understood why they were angry. She swallowed hard, trying to make the lump disappear just as the bell went. She breathed in and out slowly before standing up and rummaging in her bag for her locker key.

The day dragged slowly, but without incident. She'd seen George and Pheobe in the common room a couple of times, but kept herself to herself, absorbed in catching up with her assignments. She'd surprised herself with how easy she'd found it to get back into her work. She was actually finding it a welcome distraction. After not being able to concentrate on anything over the past couple of weeks, she was relieved to be able to switch to autopilot and plough through the essays she'd missed. Her heart still jumped into her mouth everytime the common room door opened, knowing the reason why but not wanting to admit it to herself. But all in all, considering the mixture of emotions churning in her stomach, it hadn't been too bad. She practically ran from lesson to lesson, keeping her head down and trying to not to think of anything but getting to her next class. At the end of the day, she went to her locker to offload her uneeded textbooks. She unlocked the door and was about to chuck the books in when she noticed a folded up piece of paper with her name on the front, sticking out from the air vent on the door. She slowly reached and pulled it out, before putting her books into the locker and shutting the door. Her heart was thumping as she unfolded it with apprehension. When she opened, her stomach dropped.

'FOLLY 6PM'

Despite the non-descript capital letters, and lack of detail, Tilly knew exactly who it was from. She carried on staring at the note in disbelief, instantly torn. Oh, how she wanted to go. How she wanted to see those big brown eyes, and be held in those strong arms. She could already feel the pain and turmoil lifting at the thought. But who had caused that turmoil? Who had caused the unsettling depression, the anxiety of not knowing what the future would hold. Tilly knew how weak it would be, to go running at the drop of a hat. She also knew that if her heart took another beating, it could finish her. She was barely holding it together as it was.

She stood against the lockers, her head battling with her heart. Finally, she reached a decision, and began walking out of the college on shaky legs.


	16. Chapter 16

_Authors note - Hey guys, next installment :) hope you enjoy it. Am on a bit of a roll tonight so will try and upload another chapter later. I know I keep saying this, but thank you all once again for your lovely reviews. It really does encourage me to carry on writing. An extra special thankyou to Greatguest, I plan to use your ideas on love in upcoming chapters. Very, very inspiring and a beautiful train of thought. Thank you! Ruben :) x_

"Jen", Tilly gasped, closing her eyes in pure ecstacy as Jen trailed feather like kisses across her collar bone. She could feel Jens hardened nipples grazing across her bare skin, and she tightened her knees around Jens hips. She was so overcome with lust and desire as her hands darted over Jens broad, toned body. The ache in her lower stomach was almost painful, and she pushed herself harder against Jen, longing for her touch. As Jen caressed her breasts, she took a nipple into her mouth and bit down gently, causing a bolt of lust to shoot through Tillys body, to her groin and causing her to buck at the sensation. She shifted slightly up the bed and wound her hands tightly in Jens silky hair, pushing gently to encourage Jen to move further down her body. She could feel herself throbbing with want, overcome with the need to feel Jen inside her. Her heart felt like it was going to explode from her chest, and every nerve ending in her skin was alive. She became lightheaded as Jens tongue and lips began trailing below her belly button, one hand still massaging her breast as the other slid lightly up the outside of Tillys thigh and over her hip. Tilly pushed her hips upto Jens mouth, already feeling ready to explode. But Jen drew back, resting on her elbows either side of Tilly. Her eyes were dark with lust, a seductive smile playing on her enticing lips. Tilly gripped at Jens hair, opening her knees and pushing the brunnettes head more forcefully towards her glistening folds. Jen just smiled and leaned forward, resisting Tillys attempts.

"A bit forceful, aren't we Miss Evans?" She teased softly, never breaking eye contact with Tilly. The red head could feel herself begin to tremble at the soft lilt of Jens voice.

"Jen, _please_ ", she breathed, barely able to squeeze the air from her lungs. She was so overcome with desire, and love for the woman that was lying between her legs. It was electrifying, and a fresh wave of wet rushed from her as she stared at the beauty before her.

"Oh, well since you asked so nicely..." Jen trailed off as she shifted her elbows from the bed and moved further down Tillys bodys, parting her knees as she ran her hands up the insides of Tillys thighs. She closed her eyes and moaned as Jen continued her teasing, trailing her fingertips lightly over her swollen desire. Just as she thought she couldn't take anymore, she felt the heavenly sensation of Jens tongue running softly over her most sensitive area. She moaned loudly, grabbing at Jens hair and lifting her hips from the bed, pushing herself against Jens silky lips.

"Jen", Tilly gasped, grinding herself against Jens tongue as she dipped into her liquid heat. Suddenly, Jen pulled back and stared at Tilly.

"Jen, don't stop" Tilly breathed, once again bucking her hips towards Jen. But Jen shook her head.

"No, Tilly, we shouldn't be doing this." Jen knelt up abruptly, wiping a hand over her mouth before shuffling over to the edge of the bed and standing up. Tillys heart had stopped, paralysed by the panic and fear that was pulsing through her. Surely she wouldn't do this? Again? Tilly literally felt her heart cracking, as the reality of the situation came crashing down on her.

"Jen, don't do this!" She cried, struggling to a sitting position and reaching over to grab at Jen. But Jen pulled away, moving swiftly around the room searching for her discarded clothing.

"Jen, _look_ at me! I won't let you do this to me again. I won't let you do this to _us_!" She was desperate now, forgetting her nakedness as she pulled herself off the bed and pulled Jen around to face her. She could feel herself crumbling, looking into those beautiful eyes, desperate to find the passion and desire that had been there only moments before. But she only saw that awful familiar look, the look that told her everything she needed to know. Jen was about to break her heart.

_Again_.

Tilly woke with a start, flying up into a sitting position. Her heart was thumping against her ribcage, and the duvet was a crumpled mess at the bottom of the bed. She looked around, momentarily confused. She took in her surroundings, the light from the streetlamps shining through a chink in the curtains, yesterdays clothes draped over a chair in the corner of her room. She breathed in shakily, as she tried to regain her composure and blushed slightly at her aroused state.

_It was just a dream_.

The most of her was relieved, and she relaxed back into the bed, pulling the duvet back up around her. The fire was still burning in her lower stomach, and she ached to relieve it. But the emotions that the dream had stirred up inside of her were registering forcefully as she began to wake up properly, and she curled up on her side. The fear and pain she could still remember, as Jen had pulled away from her, swirled around her heart and she squeezed her eyes shut as a lump began forming stubbornly in her throat, making it hurt. As grateful as she was that it was all just a dream, she couldn't help but yearn for the closeness, the intimacy of Jens naked body against hers.

She'd been so proud of herself,not going to the folly the evening before. By the time she'd made it home, she could already feel her resolve slipping and had busied herself with coursework. She couldn't stop herself from checking the time constantly, waiting for 6 o'clock to come. She wondered how long Jen would wait, how long it would take her to realise that Tilly wasn't coming. Her Mum had arrived first, shortly followed by her Dad and both were full of questions about her first day back. Once again, more lies tumbled from her mouth as she reassured them that it had gone well. She'd quickly told them about Mr Blakes decision to move her to a different art class, not wanting the conversation to turn to Jen. Finally, the torrent of questions had subsided and she had managed to escape to her room, telling them she'd already eaten at college. There was noway she'd have been able to force anything down, with her stomach in knots. As 6 o'clock approached, the restlessness began, and she itched to race from the house to the folly. But she'd stuck it out, her mind whirring with the different ways a conversation with Jen would go, if she'd gone to meet her. She kept imagining how she would tell Jen to get out of her life, leave her alone and let her move on. She knew, realistically, that Jen would be able to talk her around. The anger she'd felt when she had finished with Jen at the folly after everything with Esther was well and truely gone. Then, she'd been so disgusted with what Jen had done, it was easy to push her off. Ignore her pleads and declarations of love. But not now. Now, she was once again craving Jens smell, the feel of her strong body. The tenderness in her voice, and the way she was so playful with her teasing and flirting. Letting Jen once again get what she wanted, and going to the folly would be dangerous. So she'd remained strong, knowing that going could open herself up to more inevitable pain. The night had moved slowly, but eventually she'd managed to wind down, climbing into bed and waiting for sleep to engulf her.

And now, as the tears leaked through her closed eyes, all she wanted was for Jen to be laid beside her. Holding her tight, and wiping the tears away tenderly, just like she'd done last week at the folly. Her body physically _ached_ for her. Had she known that Jen would one day bring so much pain, so much turmoil and anxiety, she would never have chased after her like she did last year. Because this was ten times worse than the longing she'd felt then. That was just a desperate lust, full of hormones and the thrill of something new. She took a deep breath shakily, regret burning in her chest. She should have let Jen slip away quietly, when they'd found out Jen was her teacher. And she could have done it, easily, if she'd known she was saving her heart from a break that might never be fixed.


	17. Chapter 17

_Authors note - Hey guys, your next installment! All lyrics belong to The Avett Brothers. I would encourage everyone to listen to the song, it's beautiful. Enjoy :) Ruben x_

Tilly woke the next morning groggy, and a bad mood settled on her as she dragged herself out of bed and into the shower. By the time she had finished getting ready for college, she was tired and grumpy. The restless night had unsettled her, and she felt frustration building inside her as she made her way downstairs for a much needed coffee. She was running late, and her Dad had already left for work. As she was boiling the kettle, her mum wondered into the kitchen.

"Yes please", her mum said lightly, smiling at the kettle. Tilly rolled her eyes and sighed, opening the cupboard for another cup.

"Good morning to you, too!" her mum joked, getting the milk out of the fridge. Tilly could feel the annoyance growing inside of her. She really wasn't in the mood for small talk this morning.

"Sorry, just tired", she muttered, spooning coffee into the cups and taking the milk. Her mum peered at her, frowning.

"Not worried about college, are you? Did anything happen yesterday?" Tilly caught herself from sighing again, keeping her face away from her Mums concerned eyes as she poured the water.

"No, Mum, nothing happened. I told you, it was fine." She handed her Mum the coffee, before picking up a magazine from the side and sitting down at the table. She flicked through it, vaguely registering Kerry Katonas latest fiasco as she scanned the pages.

Her Mum hovered by the sink, sipping her coffee and watching Tilly. She couldn't be angry at her for being so sullen, times like this were few and far between and she knew how blessed they were that Tilly was different to the usual stereotype that teenagers were labelled with. She was so proud of how Tilly had handled herself over the last couple of weeks, and the way she'd found it within her to fight her way back into college... It made her heart swell to think about how strong her daughter was. Even after everything she'd been through, losing her friends through such tragic circumstances, she was still fighting. Still working hard to shape a future for herself. Thinking about it, she was more than happy for Tilly be miserable and unconversational. She still feared that her daughter was bottling things up too much, and if she was acting like this at least she wasn't running from her feelings, or trying to hide them.

_Thank God she's doing the counselling._

Tilly drained the last of her coffee, and stood up to put her cup in the sink. Her Mum moved out of the way and finished her own drink before stacking her cup on top of Tillys and picking up her bag.

"If you're quick, I can give you a lift", her Mum offered, searching for her keys. Tilly considered saying yes, but knew she needed to shift the bad mood she was in before getting to college. Sitting in the car with her Mums mindless chatter was only going to irritate her more. She needed some fresh air, to try and shake off the feelings that last nights dream had left her with.

"No, think I'll walk thanks. Try and wake up a bit." She headed out of the kitchen, before turning back and placing a quick kiss on her Mums cheek and forcing a small smile.

"Sorry for being grumpy." She left the kitchen and headed upstairs to gather her things up for college.

The walk wasn't helping much, but at least it was giving her more time on her own before facing the day ahead. The dream she'd had the night before had well and truely fuelled the deep, longing desire for Jen and she was fighting with a powerful temptation. It was so forceful, the need to be close to Jen, to touch her, and Tilly could feel her insides melt at the thought. Everything about Jen made Tilly feel alive. From her beautiful face, to the way her teeth rested so perfectly on her bottom lip when she smiled. The way Jens eyes expressed how she felt, more than her words ever could. Tilly could feel the burning sensation begin to spread through her stomach and her heart was fluttering. She was nearing college, and stopped for a moment to pull herself together. She took in long, deep breathes and rubbed her stomach subconciously. She forced herself to remember everything that Jen had done over the past few weeks. But as she already knew, there was no hate. Nothing to stop her craving the woman that had hurt her so deeply. She sighed. Today was going to be torterous.

The day was dragging slowly, and Tilly once again tried to lose herself in coursework and essays. She was finding it difficult to concentrate in class, her attention drifting idly to Jen. She'd blushed inwardly a few times and had to compose herself as erotic thoughts swam through her mind. George and Pheobe had been lingering in the common room at lunch, but they hadn't approached her and she hadn't attempted to build bridges. She knew she should try. Now, more than ever, she needed them. But if she was honest, she had no energy to care. Every part of her was dominated, obsessed almost, with Jen. And the more she let herself become embroiled in her thoughts, the less she cared about anything or anyone else. She'd gone past the point of hating herself for it. As the day drew to an end, Tilly left her last class and once again headed to her locker. Her heart began to speed up as she unlocked it and slowly opened the door, half of her apprehensive and the other half desperately hoping for another note to be waiting for her. The disappointment was instant as she scanned the locker to find nothing. She felt her stomach drop as she shoved her books inside and slammed the door. Just as she was about to turn away, she heard Mr Blakes voice resonate down the corridor.

"Ah, Tilly! Glad I caught you." He strolled down the corridor nochalantly. Tilly took a deep breath, waiting for him to reach her. She hoped her emotions weren't evident on her face as he stopped infront of her, a guarded smile on his face.

"How are you getting on?" he asked, looking down at her. Tilly forced a smile.

"Yeah, ok thanks. Is everything alright?" A small panic spread in her chest as she looked up at the headteacher.

"Yes, I just came to give you this", he replied, handing her an A4 envelope. "Your art module, broken down into units. Mr Riley wants you to highlight anything you still have left to do, so you can discuss it tomorrow. Ok?" Tilly let out her breathe and smiled, the panic subsiding.

"Brilliant, thank you. I'll get right onto it."

"Oh, there's also a memory stick in there, apparently it belongs to you. Miss Gilmore asked me to return it to you." Tillys heart leapt into her mouth as he gave her another guarded smile before turning and walking away. A memory stick? She waited impatiently for him to walk through the double doors, her whole body tingling with anticipation. She waited until he was out of sight before ripping open the envelope and reaching inside. Finding the memory stick, she pulled it out and stared at it in her hand. It definitely wasn't hers. Butterflies flittered in her stomach, as her head began to swim with possibilities of what the memory stick would hold. Curling her fingers around it tightly, she turned and walked quickly down the corridor and out of college, anticipation dancing in her chest.

Once at home, she placed the memory stick carefully on the kitchen table and flicked the kettle on. She was trying to steady her breathing, her heart ferocious against her rib cage. She was suddenly apprehensive, unsure of herself. _Was_ the memory stick hers? Had she completely jumped ahead of herself, presuming this was another way of Jen trying to silently get through to her? Thinking it through clearly, she felt her heart sink slowly to her stomach and she sat down heavily at the table. What did she expect? A long letter, full of apologies and promises? There's noway Jen would risk doing that. Mr Blake could easily have plugged the memory stick into his own computer, see what was on it. Maybe he already had. And anyway, what would really change, even if Jen HAD written to her? Now that the desire had finally began to dissipate, the hurt and doubt was edging back into her heart. It was confusing her, the mixture of emotions that kept flaring up inside herself. Coming and going so quickly, switching between an uncontrollable desire for Jen, and the need for self preservation. Sighing, she stood up slowly and picked up the conflicting object. Making her way upstairs she turned on her laptop. Then, apprehensively, she inserted the memory stick and waited for it to load.

She scrolled through the files, double clicking each one, heart fluttering persistently inside her chest. Every document was an assignment outlay, work Tilly had already completed. She scrolled desperately through each one, seeking out hidden messages. But it appeared everything was as it seemed. Defeat flooded through her as she neared the end of the documents. But as she reached the bottom, she noticed the last file was different. The icon beside it told her it was a song.

The Avett Brothers - If It's The Beaches

Her body flared with emotion once more, her insides turning cold. She hovered the mouse over it for a second, before double clicking and waiting for the song to start.

_Don't say it's over_  
_Cause that's the worst news I could hear I swear that I will_  
_Do my best to be here just the way you like it_  
_Even though its hard to hide_  
_Push my feelings all aside_  
_I will rearrange my plans and change for you_

_If I could go back_  
_That's the first thing I would do _

_I swear that I would_  
_Do my best to follow through_  
_Come up with a master plan_  
_A homerun hit, a winning stand_  
_A gaurantee and not a promise_  
_That I'll never let your love slip from my hands_

_If it's the beaches_  
_If it's the beaches' sands you want_  
_Then you will have them_  
_If it's the mountains' bending rivers_  
_Then you will have them_  
_If it's the wish to run away_  
_Then I will grant it_  
_Take whatever you want_  
_Pack the old love letters up_  
_We will read them when we forget why we left here_

Tilly shook uncontrollably as the song came to an end. The tears had started seconds after it had started, the slow melodic sound of the acoustic guitar vibrating through her. And as she listened to the lyrics, she was overwhelmed by them, fear and comfort settling within her in equal measures. Just knowing that Jen had taken the time to carefully pick a song that could tell Tilly all of the things she was too afraid to say had registered deeply, far more powerful than any apology. And it was beautiful. The simple lyrics holding such a strong, unquestionable message. Blinking through her tears, she reached out a trembling hand to play the song again. And she continued to repeat it, until she'd listened to it at least ten times and the lyrics were imprinted in her memory. A permanent reminder of the pure and dominent love that she felt for Jen. A permanent reminder that, no matter what had happened, or what was to come, Jen would eventually be by her side. It wasn't a choice anymore. It was inevitable.


End file.
